First sign of weight loss

Although I am doing this whole drastic thing to be healthier, I will admit to be astounded by the weight loss.

Here it goes... I started this journey at 290. There the world knows my secret. When the scale hit 300 I knew I was not just your average "fat girl" but had to do something!

At the end of the liquid diet phase, I had dropped 12 pounds.

278

First time I weighed myself after coming home from the hospital, I was down another 6 pounds.

272

2 days later, another 4 pounds

268

I have become that person who wants to weigh herself every day. I know that's not healthy.

Our weight fluctuates so much based on hormones and water weight. But for the first time in my life I am not afraid of that scale. And that's just surreal.

I feel like I'm the star of my own Salvadore Dali painting only I'm the melting one, not the clock!

"Of course," that little negative voice that is still firmly entrenched in my head tells me, "anyone not eating real foods would have the same result. What happens when you can eat again?"

Who knows. If I am typical of must gastric bypass patients, I will continue to lose.

If I'm not then I will deal with it.

I didn't go through all of this to start gorging on French fries and ice cream... I can tell you that much!

So I will use this time to retrain my mind as well as my stomach. And hopefully these small victories will help reinforce these changes.

Today's victory... Looking for a ring to wear as I'm going out this afternoon with Heather and my normal ring Felt like it was going to fall off my finger! So I'm wearing a ring I haven't worn for 2 years because it didn't fit.

Small victories are fun!

Pretty Flowers and Purple Bruises... Oh My!

Flowers from Tina
received in the hospital

Checking in again at 5 days post-op!  I am amazed that I'm up and moving around well.  Hospital stay was the worst of it - I ended up having 2 nights in the hospital because they wanted to make sure my pain was well-managed before sending me home on my own.

Day one at home I was relieved to be able to shower and snuggle with my cat!  Sleeping in my own bed and not being poked and prodded at regular intervals by well-meaning hospital staff was really, really nice.  I woke up on Thursday feeling like a real person!

I felt so good, in fact, that mom and I went out shopping for a few hours.  I hadn't even started thinking about Christmas, and thought I'd use mom being here to shop for my sisters and their families.  We had a productive outing to Target and Marshalls, but I was exhausted at the end.

Sunflowers from
Robin and Cari

Then my friends came over for dinner - it was our normal Girls Night Out evening so instead of going out, we did Girls Night In.  They brought Asian food so I could have miso soup and everyone got to inspect my incisions and bruises.  The incisions are pretty amazing - just 5 little holes that are healing without any issue and don't even have band-aids on them!  It's the places where they shot me with heparin, the blood thinner, that looked like someone was trying to break out from my abdomen.  Man, those bruises are purple and pretty amazing (I will spare you the gory evidence).

Friday, we decided to take it easy and went out to the movies in the afternoon.  (My Week with Marilyn, for those who are curious, and I liked it!)  I found it a little difficult to stay seated for nearly 2 hours - the gas is still an issue and causes discomfort if I'm in one position too long.

Today I am resting - hey!  I have an over-achieving rep to protect! - and hoping that I can force myself to NOT work for a couple more days.  I know once I allow myself to start doing more than just occasionally looking at email, it will all be over.   I'm trying to give myself more time to concentrate on the new ways that I have to eat and move.

Violet planters from Tammy

For instance, I have found that if I sit in one position too long, I feel more pain.  So I need to move around a bit and not get too complacent there.

Last night was the first night I felt "peckish."  I wouldn't say I have felt hungry in the slightest, but I was more bored watching television and felt the need to pick and snack.  Of course, there's nothing I can really snack on since right now my diet is limited to water, diluted juice, broth, sugar free jello and sugar free Popsicles.  So I had a Popsicle and extra cup of broth.

Susan is coming by on Sunday to teach me to crochet, and I think that having a new thing to do with my hands - other than eat or play on my phone - will be good when coming up with new habits.

More purple flowers
from Kristen

I know that everyone is curious, so here's a quick log of my weight loss...

• 2-week liquid diet:  12 pounds lost
• 5 days post-op:  6 pounds lost

That's what eating nothing but liquids will do for you!  I am trying really had not to weigh myself every day, but it's tempting to see if the scale is moving.

I am really looking forward to next week's foods, tho.  Starting Monday I can add:

• Low-fat yogurt
• Protein shakes
• Cream of Wheat (thinned)
• Sugar free pudding

Week three I will start to add pureed foods and things like mashed potatoes and soft foods.  I think by then, my stomach will be healed enough to process more than liquids.

Quick shout out to all the friends who sent me flowers this week!  I really appreciated the thoughts, prayers and good wishes.  (And if I can't eat, the cats should have something to munch on!)
  

Greetings from the hospital bed

Hard to believe i am here... Post-op. we have already established what a planner I am and all that planning and researching was a good thing. There have been relatively few surprises.

I won't bore everyone - if anyone besides me is reading! - with the moment by moment play by play and stick to the highlights. Plus it's hard to type on the iPad with an oxygen sensor on your index finger!

Lesson 1: No way I could have done this alone

I remember when Beth suggested my mom might come for my surgery and the thought had never occurred to me. This is for many reasons not the least of which is that I am just not used to having my family around. And that's not a passive aggressive, but a proximity statement. They are all in Ohio, I am in Philadelphia. I'm just used to doing stuff on my own.

Well no way I could do this "stuff" on my own. Sure my friends would have stepped up if mom couldn't be here but having her here has been nothing short of wonderful. Just having time with her that, while stressful, is not drama-filled has been great. I truly can't remember a time when I have been the focus and that 6 year old girl in me kinda likes that! I'm sure it will be enough soon, but for right now it is nice to have her take care of me a little. (okay a lot)

Come on, there is only one person in the world who is allowed to look your surgeon in the face and say 'you take care of my little girl, she's the most important thing for you today.' who wouldn't pay good money for that advocate?

A close second to mom is Beth, who braved her own medical issues to be with me all day Monday and hold my hand while I had a complete melt down post-op when I couldn't walk more than 20 steps unassisted without feeling sick and needing to lie down.

And then there's Marie, who after mom is the best patient advocate ever, having spent so much of her life as one. It was her helpful advice that reminded me that I am the one in control of my care... Some gems from nurse Marie:

1. Don't close your door at night or you run the risk of being ignored
2. Ask for what you want, no matter how silly you think it is. If you want I've, someone will get you ice because it's all about your comfort.
3. Go ahead and cry/melt down because you just did a very big and important thing.

Lesson 2: Gas pain won't kill you but it will try

From friends who had laparoscopic surgery before comes this gem and man, even in my research, I was not prepared for it. The actual procedure was okay and the pain meds help control that pain nicely but NOTHING stops the gas pain which is everywhere.

Seriously the incisions are a cake walk compared to the gas pain. And yes all that helps is moving. Walk even when you don't want to, it makes pressure stop building up. Even after my disastrous first attempt at walking, I felt 10 times better after when I could burp a little and let the gas buildup out.

Well into day 2, the gas pain is still here but every little walk around the floor helps alleviate it a little.

Lesson 3: Seriously the last thing on your mind is food

At the end of the day, I remain a fat girl. And it is just inconceivable that 24 hours - hell, 8 hours!- after surgery I wouldn't even think of food but that's true. They put a food tray on my bedside table this morning and I just looked at it as if I had no idea what to do with it. Did they expect me to eat it? And better yet, want it?

And they are right... It was hard to get 3 cups of broth down and no way I was able to do the 6 cups of water today on top of that. This retraining myself to eat is going to be the weirdest thing. Small sips and trying not to swallow air (there's enough in there, thanks!) are my new prime directives.

Lesson 4: Liquid diet is crazy important

I remain insanely impressed with having survived the liquid diet. And for those of you asking, total of about 15 pounds came off in 2 weeks but no one in their right mind does that just for weight loss benefits.

I even confessed to my doctor that I cheated by having popcorn one day and he scoffed at me! That wasn't even cheating in his opinion! Damn, I could have cheated on something better than that?

According to the doctor my liver was tiny! So the liquid diet did the trick. No issues with it at all which makes surgery and then recovery easier.

Lesson 5: Little girls make everything better

KV and Helena left me pictures!

Again on the "I have the best friends in the world" broken record, the hospital is literally 2 blocks from Mimi and Chris' house so we stayed with them the night before and then mom is there while I'm here. Perfect set up.

Added benefits are that just like snuggling with my cats immediately lowers my blood pressure, seeing the girls delighted by everything like drawing on the dry erase board in my room and playing on the hospital bed that goes up and down just makes you laugh and smile. And it's a cliche but also true: laughter is the best medicine.

I love all the little people in my life and at the end of the day, I am doing this to be a healthier me who has more joy and laughter in her life.

I know nothing is going to be 'easy' but I am here to say this has all been doable with the right prep, mindset and support.

Thanks for reading!

Here we are... Surgery day!

So here we are. Day of surgery. In about 30 minutes the house will come alive with people waking up and starting their days.

I think I go a few hours sleep, which is better than I expected. Talked to my daddy last night - he can't be here because he's working at a ski area in Wyoming of all places. Not much he or anyone else can really do but sweet of him to want to be here.

Of course part of me feels guilty because after today I know I will spend the next week feeling pretty miserable and the good hostess in me is worried about mom being on her own and bored while I sleep. Ah, the caretaker being cared for always an awkward situation!

I cannot even express how grateful I am for all my people! I have the most amazing support network of friends and family. Thank you everyone for seeing me to this point... See you on the other side in a few hours!

Oh, and later 90% of my stomach... It's been real!

Dawn and Beth - 2010

Marie, Mimi, Beth and Beth 

Mom with Heather and Beth
the day before surgery

Thoughts at 5am

Here I am wide awake for the 2nd day at 5am.  What the hell?  For those that know me, this is a complete oddity.  I am not a morning person, more like an 'awake until 5, sleep until 1pm' kind of person.

Mommy, go back to bed!

But my brain just won't shut off.  Well, today it was helped by the fact that the cats decided they would have a weekend and were wrecking havoc downstairs.  I could hear Touri chasing some invisible (or if it was visible, I don't want to know!) foe around on the hardwood floors, and then eventually Carter had to leave his nest cuddling with mommy to go check it out.  Then they were chasing one another around - up on counters and down the steps and...

By then I was pretty much wide awake.

*sigh*

I know I just need to turn my brain off, but it doesn't seem to have an auto-off switch, which is a pretty bad thing for me lately.  Or maybe it's a good thing.

If there's something no one can ever accuse me of, it's not thinking something through.  Nope.  Not me.  I'm the perpetual planner, always going through at least 3 different scenarios in my head to figure out if I'm doing the right thing and how it will turn out.

That's the thing that makes this decision to have GB surgery so difficult.  Too many unknowns.

Had to put this in because
when you put "doctor cartoon"
 in Google images,
Doctor Who is one
of the first results!

There are the probably not gonna happen things, but still have me worried - like what if something goes wrong with the actual surgery.  Oddly enough in all my thinking and planning and preparation, this is one thing that I have not spent much energy on. I chose a doctor I like and who has an excellent record with this procedure.  For WLS, 'leak' rates are the thing to watch and he has the lowest leak rate on the East Coast.  The hospital is a "Bariatric Center of Excellence," and when I compare to other programs, I like how conservative and cautionary they are.

In face, when I had my psych eval (yes, you cannot - or should not! - do this without a psych eval to make sure you can handle the changes), my doctor even commented on this.  At one point, she asked me what the risks were and I listed a bunch of them - not losing the weight, overeating after, dumping (ick!), vitamin deficiencies - and then she said I'd missed one.  Never one to like not getting a perfect score, I was annoyed by this.  What could I have missed?

Something could go wrong in surgery.

Oh... that little piece of the puzzle.

And I explained, that I didn't consider that a risk because it wasn't something I could control.  What happens on that operating room table is completely out of my hands, so why worry about it?  I'd rather obsess (and apparently I am good at that!) over things I can control and, therefore, berate myself for at 5am in the morning when I can't sleep!

Then there are the things I can totally control about this, but I still wish I had a crystal ball.  Unknowns like when I go on our annual winter cruise at the beginning of February, how much weight will I have lost?

I know... I know... I'm not doing this to just lose weight, but I have to admit that in my 5am moments, the idea of actually losing weight and being a smaller me does have me sort of giddy in side.  That is, when I  allow myself to think about it.  I usually try to banish those thoughts from my head.

Why?

Cruise 2011 - what will this
year's pictures look like?

Because I try not to be vain.  I try not to focus on the physical me, but on the new, healthier me.  Talking with Beth tonight, I was relaying stories from the WLS forum I have been obsessed with (www.thinnertimesforum.com). There are women there who are now size 2/4 or 6/8 and I can't even imagine that.  I know that result might not be typical (*cue any weight loss advertisement you have seen in the last year on television for the fine print down at the bottom of your screen*), but I don't even know if I want that.

I used to joke that if the entire world of women's clothing was opened up to me, I would be in trouble.  I have a hard enough time fitting clothes from the 2 stores I can shop at (Lane Bryant and Avenue) in my tiny closet as it is!  But now I wonder... what will that be like?  And if I do get there, will I still be me.

I don't think I will become one of those obsessed WLS survivors, but who knows.

Again, there's that unknown floating out and me having a hard time dealing with not being able to control it.

So where does that leave us?

6am now.  Still wide awake.  Zinc cold pills taken (still obsessed with getting this cold under control!).  Cats fed and watered, so they are going back to sleep.

And I'm still pondering... always pondering...

Medical Leave is Here

I remember thinking 2 weeks ago when I got my surgery date that it would suck if I caught a cold. Then immediately told myself I was being silly. Everything would be fine.

But here I am with a stupid cold!

So medical leave started early. After 2 days of 12+ hours I just couldn't continue to push it. I figure 4 days to be home and rest should be enough to recover and be perfectly healthy for Monday's surgery.

Thank god I have the best job, boss and employees in the world. Last night at the board meeting as my voice continued to get weaker and weaker, our board president herself told me I should go home and rest until Monday.

I know I do a lot for my organization and I ask a lot of my employees but it is so nice to know that we have the ability to be accommodating when someone's life calls for it.

(Even when not everyone sees or appreciates it)

So now I am home and as you can see, relaxing is not my strong suit. I do many things very well but taking care of myself is not one of them. I think I'm always over-compensating for my real or perceived flaws. Always hearing that tiny voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm not doing enough, working hard enough, being nice enough.

In my mind, I know it's mostly rubbish but it doesn't stop me from working 12 hour days, checking email at midnight and feeling like I'm letting someone down if I don't.

When I think about Monday, I hope part of a new phase of my life where I get to be important to me. I'm not talking about being selfish (even the workaholic is selfish!), but allowing myself to take the time to do what I need to do to be healthy whether that's finding time for an exercise class or saying no to one meeting a month do I can do something for me.

As cliched as it sounds I can't help but feel like Monday has to be the start of a new lifecycle. I just hope I'm up for the challenge.