Let Her (Not) Eat Cake

Last night I had my first work event on the liquid diet.  And for the most part, it was fine.  Presentation by Drexel marketing students who have put together a presentation for our Boutique.  Very cool indeed.

At the break, we all went into a separate room for refreshments which included an elaborate cake which had all the nonprofit organizations' logos who had projects completed for them by the students.

Very sweet.

AND I DID NOT HAVE A BITE!

I certainly was justifying it to myself, believe me.  It was like that scene in Twilight when Edwards sees Bella for the first time and he can smell her blood.  He's overwhelmed with the need to kill her...

That was me and the cake!

Literally walked into the tiny room and could smell the cake.  Its sweet frosting was like a siren call to me.

(Okay, I'm being a little over-dramatic here!  But you get the idea.)

But instead of rationalizing it to myself, I took a bottle of water and sat down at the end of the table.  And let me tell you, there is apparently nothing more conspicuous than a fat girl who says she doesn't want a piece of cake!

At least three people tried to give me cake!  Finally, I said, "I'm having surgery in a week and am on a liquid diet."

The woman next to me, looked over and said, "you're having gastric bypass?"

Caught!

Now, I'm pretty open about the surgery, as you all know.  At first I wasn't sure who I was going to tell for a dozen different reasons.  From the defensive: it really isn't anyone else's business.  To the self-protective:  I don't want to be judged.

But by-and-large, I have been pleasantly surprised by people's reactions.  And this woman's reaction was really nice because she wanted to know all about it.  She ended up distracting me from the overwhelmingly sweet smell of cake in the air by letting me babble on for a few minutes about the procedure.

So, thank you.

And thank you to everyone who has been supportive of my journey here.  Although it's tolerable right now, as my stomach growls at me yet again, I am reminded that this is going to be a daily struggle with ups and downs.  I'm insanely proud of myself for sticking to this 2-week diet with only a couple minor "cheats," I dare say that I'm more strict with myself than my friends are with me!

Today I said I was craving a PB&J sandwich (body has decided it would like some carbs, please!) and Beth said she'd make one so I'd could have a bite.  But no.  I don't NEED a bit.  I just want one.  Instead I took a finger of peanut butter and that helped get my blood sugar up and I didn't feel so weak.

Oh, and the icing on my proverbial cake?   Weighed myself today and I'm down 10 pounds in 8 days.  10 pounds I hope to never see again!

Liquid Diet: Questions Answered!

Hi again.  Here I am at day 6 of the dreaded liquid diet, and I'm happy to say it's SO MUCH BETTER!

For one, I am so proud of myself for only cheating twice - once to have some popcorn on Thanksgiving when H went with me to the movies since I couldn't eat, and then today when we were at a cafe writing.  The only veggie soup they had was sweet potato (which is technically a starch) but didn't have cream, so I justified it.

I am generally not a veggie fan.  Even on Weight Watchers, I would turn to something like fruit, if I needed a "free" snack.  So the idea that I'm making due on the few veggies that I like, is something short of a miracle.


For those playing along at home - here is my basic 2-week liquid diet plan from the doctor:

• Drink 3-5 protein shakes a day (200 calories or less, 14-20 grams of protein, less than 4 grams of sugar, first ingredient is whey protein isolate - not blend or concentrate - this means basically nothing found at your grocery store like Ensure, Slim Fast, etc.  They are full of sugar or don't have enough whey protein isolate)
• Sugar-free beverages and non-starchy vegetables only
• 800 calories or less per day

Reach for:

• Water
• Broth
• Sugar-Free Drinks (i.e. crystal light)
• Diluted Juices (1/2 water)
• Vegetables (lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, carrots)
• Salsa, fat-free/calorie-free salad dressing, butter/oil spray, teriyaki, soy sauce
• Vinegar

My go-to foods this week have been:

Snacks:  pickles (as long as they don't have sugar), tomato basil salad with balsamic vinegar and no oil, edamame, cucumbers with a tiny bit of light ranch (which basically turns to water after a while if I don't eat the cucumbers immediately)

Meals:  protein shakes for breakfast and lunch with something like carrots or cucumbers to snack on in the afternoon.  For dinner, stir fry with veggies only and teriyaki, balsalmic or some similar fat-free marinade/sauce.

Just this weekend I started experimented with soups - pulled out some of my Weight Watchers favorites like tomato red pepper soup which is basically red peppers, onions, crushed tomatoes and carrots with chicken or veggie stock, then pureed.  The recipe calls for fat-free half and half, which I didn't use.

Today I went to dinner at a friend's house and she made a similar soup for me - carrots, 1/2 sweet potato (technically a starch but 1/2 a sweet potato for an 8-10 serving pot of soup I don't think is going to blow the diet!), veggie broth and then curry powder for flavoring.  It was so creamy and really satisfying.

Video of Gastric Bypass Surgery

Don't worry, it's not on a live person!

So many of my friends have asked what the surgery actually is, that I thought it might be good to link to one of the educational videos that shows how the process works.

Happy Thanksgiving from the Empty Stomach!

Today is day 4 of the liquid diet and I have to say, it is getting easier.  When I met with the nutritionist she'd explained the diet and that I'd be allowed 3-5 protein shakes a day.  That would keep me full.  And then if I needed a "crunch" just to feel like I was eating, I could have veggies.

What the hell!

Apparently she's never been a nearly 300-pound woman who went to eating less than 800 calories a day!

Excuse me, DRINKING 800 calories a day.

Unless those calories are pureed with strawberries and have whipped cream and rum included and lead to a person passing out, I'm not so sure drinking 800 calories a day would make anyone feeling full.

Evening of day one, we went out to Trader Joe's to buy all types of veggies that I could eat - frozen especially so I had something easy to make.  Raw veggies are fine, but if you want to feel like you are eating a meal, I think the veggies have to be cooked.

By day two, I could feel my stomach constantly.  And guess what, it's not where all the cartoons tell you it is! It's really sort up near your ribs.  Huh.  Nice little anatomy lesson there.

Day three the stomach was like the cat in the Simon's Cat online cartoons - constantly point to its mouth and saying "feed me."  So every 20 minutes, it would growl at me.

Now I'm at day four and it's Thanksgiving!  I have to admit, I fully intend on cheating just a bit today.  While everyone else eats turkey, my protein shake and me (and a friend!) are going to see the Muppet Movie where we will be allowed to split a small popcorn (hope my nutritionist isn't reading this!).

And here's where I am now...

It's hard to believe that this is what the next several months of my life will be like.  This is a real wake up call, which is partially why they make you do it, I think.

I'm obsessed (as the title of this blog suggests) with researching all things related to gastric bypass.  I read the boards at www.thinnertimes.com regularly and I have to say that's been a huge help.  If I have any question, there's someone there who has posted about it.  And I'm starting to share some of my experiences, too.

Starting this process, I had a hard time finding a place where I could hear people's real experience - not just medical jargon or the cheerleaders who did well and want everyone to make the choice they made.  This is such a personal decision.  I now know nearly a dozen people who have had variations of weigh loss surgery and I have reached out to all of them to understand their experiences.

But none of those experiences are mine.  None of them have been on the exact same journey that I have.  For me, I think the full gastric bypass is what I need to make a permanent change.  And I stress permanent.  As much as the liquid diet might suck, in 2 weeks, my stomach will be the size of an egg, so eating 800 calories a day will not feel like I'm starving myself.  (or at least that's the theory!)

Part of me wishes that I could say that I could have had this wake up call on my own, but I have to be honest with myself.  Given my history of yo-yo dieting, my metabolism is just messed up.  Yes, I know I could do Weight Watchers again and lose 40+ pounds. I've done it before.  But I also know, that when I inevitably stop working the plan, I will gain 60 back.  With PCOS, even losing weight is harder for me than the average person.

So maybe this tool is what I need to make the permanent change.  Sure, there will be a time when I can make poor choices with food, but the repercussions of doing so will be larger than just 'cheating.'  

At the end of the day, as much as my stomach is unhappy with me, even though I go to bed and wake up thinking about food... I'm still excited about the possibilities I see in front of me.  

Happy Thanksgiving to me!  

Defying gravity

I have decided the purpose of this liquid diet is to make it all real ( okay and shrink my impossibly huge and fat liver!). For the second time in two days my sweet friends and Glee kids have made me cry.

Yes you read that right. Glee.

Specifically the Defying Gravity song from Wicked.

Some things I cannot change
But until I change I will not know

And as I sit here in my car, tears in my eyes, I have realized something... I am doing a huge, hard thing. A huge thing that I might ultimately not excel at.

And that's scary.

I know I'm not perfect. I make mistakes on a daily basis. I'm not that conceited!

But when we do hard things, we usually have no or little foresight that the thing we are doing is going to be hard.

Sure, there are some things... I imagine becoming a parent is like that. Taking a new job. Embarking on a marathon.

This is a hard thing that I am doing in public and I think my brain needs to catch up to that. But in the meantime I think I'll rewind the song and let myself cry.

Before photos

Everyone tells you to take the scary before photos. But they usually wait until they are near goal to post them... So in the vein of being truthful to myself here are the before shots.

Excuse me while I run screaming!

Liquid Diet - Day One

Last week was what I called my "Final Week of Food" (tm).  My gastric bypass doctor requires a 2 week liquid diet before surgery.  The purpose of the diet is to shrink the liver as much as possible so that surgery goes easier.  Apparently in addition to having fat arms, legs, chins and butts, fat girls also have fat livers.  Fabulous!


I will admit to going a little crazy.  Our friend, Dawn, was in town all week and even though she's had the LapBand for a few years now, she's still a foodie (hope that I can still love food after RNY?) and we spent the week catching up over food.


Which leads one to wonder... what happens after surgery and I can't eat?  Will I no longer want to eat out?  Will I no longer be able to socialize with friends?  I don't think so.  Monthly "girls nights out" to a new restaurant is one of my favorite things - not necessarily for the food, but for the support.


I guess I'll have to start talking more, and eating less!

My final week of food is over and the liquid diet has officially begun... yesterday I went through all our food and made shelves in the pantry and refrigerator that have all the foods I can eat in order to cut down on looking around while I'm on the pre-op diet.

In all my research, I think my doctor and nutritionist (apparently referred to as a NUT by most weight loss surgery folks... lol!)  is pretty strict regarding pre-op diet, and am not sure if that's due to my weight and med history or not. I'm at just under 300/44 bmi liquid stage is 2 weeks and I have to eat under 800 calories a day. No dairy, starchy veggies, yogurt, sugar, fats. I can have up to 5 shakes a day, broth, non-starchy veggies with teriyaki, soy, vinegar or fat free dressings. Can also have sugar free jello or popscicles but not pudding.

I got my NUT to approve skim milk in shakes (but no fruit or yogurt) and pickles as long as they don't have sugar. (I will eat tons of pickles if you let me!). I've been trying to figure out savory things I can have since nearly all of the shakes I like are fruit flavored. Oh and I can add some coffee to my chocolate shake to make it mocha!

Last night, I was so excited to have this starting that I was awake until at least 4:30-5am.  Today, I am feeling the crash a little.  I was crazy hungry all day - an I'm sure that will taper off as my stomach gets used to less food.


Tonight we went to Trader Joe's to get more veggies - they are the only thing I can eat and this "protein drinks will make you feel full" is strict b.s.!  The pickles, stir fry (with balsamic vinegar and fat free dressing) helped me to fee full.  But now I think it might be time for my last shake.


Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Time Warp: History of Dieting and Self-Loathing

I'll be 42 on my next birthday, and have been dieting since I was 10 or 12.  I don't remember the age.  I do remember being the only girl in elementary school with breasts.  Not knowing what a period was when it came for the first time (and no, I hadn't read the Judy Blume book yet!).  I remember being in the pool with my best friend and having a boy from our class look at me and say something like "you are even fatter under water."

I'm the "fat" one in front!

Fat?  What was that? 

I didn't know, but I knew it was me.  I had a definition suddenly.  I was the 'fat girl.'

And those facts coupled with my parent's apparent belief that there was something wrong with me, lead to the *drum roll, please* Diet Workshop.  Counting calories and "points" at 10 or 12, standing up with middle aged women and telling them my weight. Learning to "cook" right when cooking should have meant making peanut butter and jelly.

Yes, I liked the Breakfast Club,
why do you ask?

This blog could be "Tales of the 4th Grade Fat Girl" but that would be really depressing and probably annoy my parents.  

Fast forward a few years and I'm in junior high and then high school.  I start to excel at things:  school, speech and debate, school government.  Looking back, I was part of that crowd that you might call "popular nerds."  If we had had a show like Glee - that would have been my group.  Still getting slushied by the popular jocks, but we had our own clique or niche.  

This was fat in the 80s!

And we all dieted insanely.  Aerobics 3 times a week.  Talking about how fat we were when we ate McDonald's on a daily basis.  Looking back at pictures of myself from this age, I see that I wasn't overweight.  In fact, my Molly Ringwald hair and fashion sense senior pictures tell me that I was what is defined as my "ideal weight" currently.  

Then came college - and a rejection of all things that society told me girls... umm... I mean 'women'... should be.  Feminism came into my life and I stopped caring about what I looked like (but, you know, not *really*) or what boys thought.  I surrounded myself with women I liked to be with and ideas that I found fascinating.  It would lead me to the best friends in my life - my surrogate or chosen family. And it would take me away from my midwest home to my adopted home on the East Coast and a career I love and would not trade for all the size 6 jeans in the world.

My support group!

I clearly remember having a conversation with my doctor probably 5 years ago.  She was telling me - again - that I needed to lose weight and I just lost it.  With tears running down my cheeks, I told her that I felt like I could do everything else in my life, but this.  

I was the straight A student.  I was the good daughter who didn't ask too much of her parents.  I was the friend who would drop anything to help someone.  I was the woman who spent her professional life running a nonprofit to help other women.  And I did most things well.  

But we aren't all perfect, and my weight was living proof of that.  It was - in many ways - the one area that allowed myself not to do well.  Who knew it was the one thing that might end up killing me.

Wow, that is a hard concept to come to terms with.  

And at the end of the day, I have a confession to make... I don't think I want to be skinny.  

I don't want to be a skinny girl that fits into a size 2 or even 10.  I'd be happy to stop seeing a "2" as the first number of my weight.  And let's not even talk about the 3 that was there for a while!   You know when the scale groans and refuses to display your weight that it is time for a change.

Okay, enough with the introspection and walk down memory lane... on to the future.  

Our Journey Begins...

Sherikate

I don't have a good name for this blog and don't really know why I'm doing it... other than I have too many ideas swirling around in my mind at 1am in the morning to sleep and one day my friends are going to be tired of hearing me blabber on.  

So here it goes...

My name is Sherikate...
*hi, Sherikate*
And I'm about 2 weeks out from having gastric bypass surgery
*silence falls*

There needs to be a 12-step program for fat girls like me.  I've spent so much of my life trying to NOT obsess about how much I weigh and what I look like.  Hell, I spent most of my academic career conducting feminist analysis of things like the "beauty myth" and the effects of pornography and objectification on women's self-esteem.  Now I run a nonprofit that helps women transition to work by - among other things - helping them look the part by giving them professional clothing.

I'm a contradiction in terms.  

So now I'm just adding a new one to the mix, I suppose.

Something changed in my life this past June.  I woke up - or better never fell asleep - with a terrible pain in my right side.  By 4am I was in such pain that I did the unthinkable - I went to the emergency room.  I was admitted immediately with a kidney stone the size of an M&M.  The next thing I knew, the girl who had never had any major medical procedure spent 2 days in the hospital and had 2 procedures 2 weeks apart to remove the stone (wow... that was alot of 2s!).

And the stone was my wake up call, I guess.  

2 years ago (wow - there's another 2!), my doctor used 2 small words to convey on big (no pun intended!) concept for me:  morbidly obese.

Wait a minute!  I was just a fat girl!  I wasn't morbidly obese.  

What did that mean, anyway?  

I spent the better part of the last 2 years contemplating what this meant.  I'd look at people on the street and compare them to me - was I that big?  Were they fatter than me?  Was I healthier than they were? 

Suddenly medical problems started mounting up - pre-diabetes was hovering around the 'do not pass go and collect $100 mark' into full-blown diabetes.  I'd always snored, but now they called it sleep apnea and said I could die without a breathing machine.  Pain in my back from cysts meant I could no longer walk the 2 miles to work.  And now I had kidney stones.

The writing was on the wall - I was, in my own words, too fat to live.  Or at least too fat to live the life I wanted.  

I didn't want my niece to look at me and ask "why is your stomach fat."

I didn't want my friends to worry that I wouldn't see retirement with them.

I didn't want to spend Saturdays in a shame spiral brought on by my "lumpy toad frog" moments.

I was tired of being embarrassed everywhere I went that I was taking up too much space.

  

And it was time to do something about it.

My doctor had mentioned surgery and 2 years ago, I thought that was insane.  I'd lost weight before, after all, why not just do it again?  But then I started reviewing my own personal weight loss journey - as people like Oprah and Doctor Oz are so apt to call it.  It wasn't a journey, though, it was more like a  the time warp from Rocky Horror: 

It's just a jump to the left . And then a step to the right / With your hands on your hips / You bring your knees in tight

In other words... it was going nowhere.

Not telling anyone what I was thinking, I spent hours online researching because that's what I do.  And all those hours and hours of researching and introspection have lead me here.  

I'm hoping that now it's a journey.  I'm hoping it will lead me to a place where I am healthy.  Where I have more confidence.  Where I can be the person on the outside that I feel like I am on the inside.

So here we go...