First sign of weight loss

Although I am doing this whole drastic thing to be healthier, I will admit to be astounded by the weight loss.

Here it goes... I started this journey at 290. There the world knows my secret. When the scale hit 300 I knew I was not just your average "fat girl" but had to do something!

At the end of the liquid diet phase, I had dropped 12 pounds.

278

First time I weighed myself after coming home from the hospital, I was down another 6 pounds.

272

2 days later, another 4 pounds

268

I have become that person who wants to weigh herself every day. I know that's not healthy.

Our weight fluctuates so much based on hormones and water weight. But for the first time in my life I am not afraid of that scale. And that's just surreal.

I feel like I'm the star of my own Salvadore Dali painting only I'm the melting one, not the clock!

"Of course," that little negative voice that is still firmly entrenched in my head tells me, "anyone not eating real foods would have the same result. What happens when you can eat again?"

Who knows. If I am typical of must gastric bypass patients, I will continue to lose.

If I'm not then I will deal with it.

I didn't go through all of this to start gorging on French fries and ice cream... I can tell you that much!

So I will use this time to retrain my mind as well as my stomach. And hopefully these small victories will help reinforce these changes.

Today's victory... Looking for a ring to wear as I'm going out this afternoon with Heather and my normal ring Felt like it was going to fall off my finger! So I'm wearing a ring I haven't worn for 2 years because it didn't fit.

Small victories are fun!

Pretty Flowers and Purple Bruises... Oh My!

Flowers from Tina
received in the hospital

Checking in again at 5 days post-op!  I am amazed that I'm up and moving around well.  Hospital stay was the worst of it - I ended up having 2 nights in the hospital because they wanted to make sure my pain was well-managed before sending me home on my own.

Day one at home I was relieved to be able to shower and snuggle with my cat!  Sleeping in my own bed and not being poked and prodded at regular intervals by well-meaning hospital staff was really, really nice.  I woke up on Thursday feeling like a real person!

I felt so good, in fact, that mom and I went out shopping for a few hours.  I hadn't even started thinking about Christmas, and thought I'd use mom being here to shop for my sisters and their families.  We had a productive outing to Target and Marshalls, but I was exhausted at the end.

Sunflowers from
Robin and Cari

Then my friends came over for dinner - it was our normal Girls Night Out evening so instead of going out, we did Girls Night In.  They brought Asian food so I could have miso soup and everyone got to inspect my incisions and bruises.  The incisions are pretty amazing - just 5 little holes that are healing without any issue and don't even have band-aids on them!  It's the places where they shot me with heparin, the blood thinner, that looked like someone was trying to break out from my abdomen.  Man, those bruises are purple and pretty amazing (I will spare you the gory evidence).

Friday, we decided to take it easy and went out to the movies in the afternoon.  (My Week with Marilyn, for those who are curious, and I liked it!)  I found it a little difficult to stay seated for nearly 2 hours - the gas is still an issue and causes discomfort if I'm in one position too long.

Today I am resting - hey!  I have an over-achieving rep to protect! - and hoping that I can force myself to NOT work for a couple more days.  I know once I allow myself to start doing more than just occasionally looking at email, it will all be over.   I'm trying to give myself more time to concentrate on the new ways that I have to eat and move.

Violet planters from Tammy

For instance, I have found that if I sit in one position too long, I feel more pain.  So I need to move around a bit and not get too complacent there.

Last night was the first night I felt "peckish."  I wouldn't say I have felt hungry in the slightest, but I was more bored watching television and felt the need to pick and snack.  Of course, there's nothing I can really snack on since right now my diet is limited to water, diluted juice, broth, sugar free jello and sugar free Popsicles.  So I had a Popsicle and extra cup of broth.

Susan is coming by on Sunday to teach me to crochet, and I think that having a new thing to do with my hands - other than eat or play on my phone - will be good when coming up with new habits.

More purple flowers
from Kristen

I know that everyone is curious, so here's a quick log of my weight loss...

• 2-week liquid diet:  12 pounds lost
• 5 days post-op:  6 pounds lost

That's what eating nothing but liquids will do for you!  I am trying really had not to weigh myself every day, but it's tempting to see if the scale is moving.

I am really looking forward to next week's foods, tho.  Starting Monday I can add:

• Low-fat yogurt
• Protein shakes
• Cream of Wheat (thinned)
• Sugar free pudding

Week three I will start to add pureed foods and things like mashed potatoes and soft foods.  I think by then, my stomach will be healed enough to process more than liquids.

Quick shout out to all the friends who sent me flowers this week!  I really appreciated the thoughts, prayers and good wishes.  (And if I can't eat, the cats should have something to munch on!)
  

Greetings from the hospital bed

Hard to believe i am here... Post-op. we have already established what a planner I am and all that planning and researching was a good thing. There have been relatively few surprises.

I won't bore everyone - if anyone besides me is reading! - with the moment by moment play by play and stick to the highlights. Plus it's hard to type on the iPad with an oxygen sensor on your index finger!

Lesson 1: No way I could have done this alone

I remember when Beth suggested my mom might come for my surgery and the thought had never occurred to me. This is for many reasons not the least of which is that I am just not used to having my family around. And that's not a passive aggressive, but a proximity statement. They are all in Ohio, I am in Philadelphia. I'm just used to doing stuff on my own.

Well no way I could do this "stuff" on my own. Sure my friends would have stepped up if mom couldn't be here but having her here has been nothing short of wonderful. Just having time with her that, while stressful, is not drama-filled has been great. I truly can't remember a time when I have been the focus and that 6 year old girl in me kinda likes that! I'm sure it will be enough soon, but for right now it is nice to have her take care of me a little. (okay a lot)

Come on, there is only one person in the world who is allowed to look your surgeon in the face and say 'you take care of my little girl, she's the most important thing for you today.' who wouldn't pay good money for that advocate?

A close second to mom is Beth, who braved her own medical issues to be with me all day Monday and hold my hand while I had a complete melt down post-op when I couldn't walk more than 20 steps unassisted without feeling sick and needing to lie down.

And then there's Marie, who after mom is the best patient advocate ever, having spent so much of her life as one. It was her helpful advice that reminded me that I am the one in control of my care... Some gems from nurse Marie:

1. Don't close your door at night or you run the risk of being ignored
2. Ask for what you want, no matter how silly you think it is. If you want I've, someone will get you ice because it's all about your comfort.
3. Go ahead and cry/melt down because you just did a very big and important thing.

Lesson 2: Gas pain won't kill you but it will try

From friends who had laparoscopic surgery before comes this gem and man, even in my research, I was not prepared for it. The actual procedure was okay and the pain meds help control that pain nicely but NOTHING stops the gas pain which is everywhere.

Seriously the incisions are a cake walk compared to the gas pain. And yes all that helps is moving. Walk even when you don't want to, it makes pressure stop building up. Even after my disastrous first attempt at walking, I felt 10 times better after when I could burp a little and let the gas buildup out.

Well into day 2, the gas pain is still here but every little walk around the floor helps alleviate it a little.

Lesson 3: Seriously the last thing on your mind is food

At the end of the day, I remain a fat girl. And it is just inconceivable that 24 hours - hell, 8 hours!- after surgery I wouldn't even think of food but that's true. They put a food tray on my bedside table this morning and I just looked at it as if I had no idea what to do with it. Did they expect me to eat it? And better yet, want it?

And they are right... It was hard to get 3 cups of broth down and no way I was able to do the 6 cups of water today on top of that. This retraining myself to eat is going to be the weirdest thing. Small sips and trying not to swallow air (there's enough in there, thanks!) are my new prime directives.

Lesson 4: Liquid diet is crazy important

I remain insanely impressed with having survived the liquid diet. And for those of you asking, total of about 15 pounds came off in 2 weeks but no one in their right mind does that just for weight loss benefits.

I even confessed to my doctor that I cheated by having popcorn one day and he scoffed at me! That wasn't even cheating in his opinion! Damn, I could have cheated on something better than that?

According to the doctor my liver was tiny! So the liquid diet did the trick. No issues with it at all which makes surgery and then recovery easier.

Lesson 5: Little girls make everything better

KV and Helena left me pictures!

Again on the "I have the best friends in the world" broken record, the hospital is literally 2 blocks from Mimi and Chris' house so we stayed with them the night before and then mom is there while I'm here. Perfect set up.

Added benefits are that just like snuggling with my cats immediately lowers my blood pressure, seeing the girls delighted by everything like drawing on the dry erase board in my room and playing on the hospital bed that goes up and down just makes you laugh and smile. And it's a cliche but also true: laughter is the best medicine.

I love all the little people in my life and at the end of the day, I am doing this to be a healthier me who has more joy and laughter in her life.

I know nothing is going to be 'easy' but I am here to say this has all been doable with the right prep, mindset and support.

Thanks for reading!

Here we are... Surgery day!

So here we are. Day of surgery. In about 30 minutes the house will come alive with people waking up and starting their days.

I think I go a few hours sleep, which is better than I expected. Talked to my daddy last night - he can't be here because he's working at a ski area in Wyoming of all places. Not much he or anyone else can really do but sweet of him to want to be here.

Of course part of me feels guilty because after today I know I will spend the next week feeling pretty miserable and the good hostess in me is worried about mom being on her own and bored while I sleep. Ah, the caretaker being cared for always an awkward situation!

I cannot even express how grateful I am for all my people! I have the most amazing support network of friends and family. Thank you everyone for seeing me to this point... See you on the other side in a few hours!

Oh, and later 90% of my stomach... It's been real!

Dawn and Beth - 2010

Marie, Mimi, Beth and Beth 

Mom with Heather and Beth
the day before surgery

Thoughts at 5am

Here I am wide awake for the 2nd day at 5am.  What the hell?  For those that know me, this is a complete oddity.  I am not a morning person, more like an 'awake until 5, sleep until 1pm' kind of person.

Mommy, go back to bed!

But my brain just won't shut off.  Well, today it was helped by the fact that the cats decided they would have a weekend and were wrecking havoc downstairs.  I could hear Touri chasing some invisible (or if it was visible, I don't want to know!) foe around on the hardwood floors, and then eventually Carter had to leave his nest cuddling with mommy to go check it out.  Then they were chasing one another around - up on counters and down the steps and...

By then I was pretty much wide awake.

*sigh*

I know I just need to turn my brain off, but it doesn't seem to have an auto-off switch, which is a pretty bad thing for me lately.  Or maybe it's a good thing.

If there's something no one can ever accuse me of, it's not thinking something through.  Nope.  Not me.  I'm the perpetual planner, always going through at least 3 different scenarios in my head to figure out if I'm doing the right thing and how it will turn out.

That's the thing that makes this decision to have GB surgery so difficult.  Too many unknowns.

Had to put this in because
when you put "doctor cartoon"
 in Google images,
Doctor Who is one
of the first results!

There are the probably not gonna happen things, but still have me worried - like what if something goes wrong with the actual surgery.  Oddly enough in all my thinking and planning and preparation, this is one thing that I have not spent much energy on. I chose a doctor I like and who has an excellent record with this procedure.  For WLS, 'leak' rates are the thing to watch and he has the lowest leak rate on the East Coast.  The hospital is a "Bariatric Center of Excellence," and when I compare to other programs, I like how conservative and cautionary they are.

In face, when I had my psych eval (yes, you cannot - or should not! - do this without a psych eval to make sure you can handle the changes), my doctor even commented on this.  At one point, she asked me what the risks were and I listed a bunch of them - not losing the weight, overeating after, dumping (ick!), vitamin deficiencies - and then she said I'd missed one.  Never one to like not getting a perfect score, I was annoyed by this.  What could I have missed?

Something could go wrong in surgery.

Oh... that little piece of the puzzle.

And I explained, that I didn't consider that a risk because it wasn't something I could control.  What happens on that operating room table is completely out of my hands, so why worry about it?  I'd rather obsess (and apparently I am good at that!) over things I can control and, therefore, berate myself for at 5am in the morning when I can't sleep!

Then there are the things I can totally control about this, but I still wish I had a crystal ball.  Unknowns like when I go on our annual winter cruise at the beginning of February, how much weight will I have lost?

I know... I know... I'm not doing this to just lose weight, but I have to admit that in my 5am moments, the idea of actually losing weight and being a smaller me does have me sort of giddy in side.  That is, when I  allow myself to think about it.  I usually try to banish those thoughts from my head.

Why?

Cruise 2011 - what will this
year's pictures look like?

Because I try not to be vain.  I try not to focus on the physical me, but on the new, healthier me.  Talking with Beth tonight, I was relaying stories from the WLS forum I have been obsessed with (www.thinnertimesforum.com). There are women there who are now size 2/4 or 6/8 and I can't even imagine that.  I know that result might not be typical (*cue any weight loss advertisement you have seen in the last year on television for the fine print down at the bottom of your screen*), but I don't even know if I want that.

I used to joke that if the entire world of women's clothing was opened up to me, I would be in trouble.  I have a hard enough time fitting clothes from the 2 stores I can shop at (Lane Bryant and Avenue) in my tiny closet as it is!  But now I wonder... what will that be like?  And if I do get there, will I still be me.

I don't think I will become one of those obsessed WLS survivors, but who knows.

Again, there's that unknown floating out and me having a hard time dealing with not being able to control it.

So where does that leave us?

6am now.  Still wide awake.  Zinc cold pills taken (still obsessed with getting this cold under control!).  Cats fed and watered, so they are going back to sleep.

And I'm still pondering... always pondering...

Medical Leave is Here

I remember thinking 2 weeks ago when I got my surgery date that it would suck if I caught a cold. Then immediately told myself I was being silly. Everything would be fine.

But here I am with a stupid cold!

So medical leave started early. After 2 days of 12+ hours I just couldn't continue to push it. I figure 4 days to be home and rest should be enough to recover and be perfectly healthy for Monday's surgery.

Thank god I have the best job, boss and employees in the world. Last night at the board meeting as my voice continued to get weaker and weaker, our board president herself told me I should go home and rest until Monday.

I know I do a lot for my organization and I ask a lot of my employees but it is so nice to know that we have the ability to be accommodating when someone's life calls for it.

(Even when not everyone sees or appreciates it)

So now I am home and as you can see, relaxing is not my strong suit. I do many things very well but taking care of myself is not one of them. I think I'm always over-compensating for my real or perceived flaws. Always hearing that tiny voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm not doing enough, working hard enough, being nice enough.

In my mind, I know it's mostly rubbish but it doesn't stop me from working 12 hour days, checking email at midnight and feeling like I'm letting someone down if I don't.

When I think about Monday, I hope part of a new phase of my life where I get to be important to me. I'm not talking about being selfish (even the workaholic is selfish!), but allowing myself to take the time to do what I need to do to be healthy whether that's finding time for an exercise class or saying no to one meeting a month do I can do something for me.

As cliched as it sounds I can't help but feel like Monday has to be the start of a new lifecycle. I just hope I'm up for the challenge.

Let Her (Not) Eat Cake

Last night I had my first work event on the liquid diet.  And for the most part, it was fine.  Presentation by Drexel marketing students who have put together a presentation for our Boutique.  Very cool indeed.

At the break, we all went into a separate room for refreshments which included an elaborate cake which had all the nonprofit organizations' logos who had projects completed for them by the students.

Very sweet.

AND I DID NOT HAVE A BITE!

I certainly was justifying it to myself, believe me.  It was like that scene in Twilight when Edwards sees Bella for the first time and he can smell her blood.  He's overwhelmed with the need to kill her...

That was me and the cake!

Literally walked into the tiny room and could smell the cake.  Its sweet frosting was like a siren call to me.

(Okay, I'm being a little over-dramatic here!  But you get the idea.)

But instead of rationalizing it to myself, I took a bottle of water and sat down at the end of the table.  And let me tell you, there is apparently nothing more conspicuous than a fat girl who says she doesn't want a piece of cake!

At least three people tried to give me cake!  Finally, I said, "I'm having surgery in a week and am on a liquid diet."

The woman next to me, looked over and said, "you're having gastric bypass?"

Caught!

Now, I'm pretty open about the surgery, as you all know.  At first I wasn't sure who I was going to tell for a dozen different reasons.  From the defensive: it really isn't anyone else's business.  To the self-protective:  I don't want to be judged.

But by-and-large, I have been pleasantly surprised by people's reactions.  And this woman's reaction was really nice because she wanted to know all about it.  She ended up distracting me from the overwhelmingly sweet smell of cake in the air by letting me babble on for a few minutes about the procedure.

So, thank you.

And thank you to everyone who has been supportive of my journey here.  Although it's tolerable right now, as my stomach growls at me yet again, I am reminded that this is going to be a daily struggle with ups and downs.  I'm insanely proud of myself for sticking to this 2-week diet with only a couple minor "cheats," I dare say that I'm more strict with myself than my friends are with me!

Today I said I was craving a PB&J sandwich (body has decided it would like some carbs, please!) and Beth said she'd make one so I'd could have a bite.  But no.  I don't NEED a bit.  I just want one.  Instead I took a finger of peanut butter and that helped get my blood sugar up and I didn't feel so weak.

Oh, and the icing on my proverbial cake?   Weighed myself today and I'm down 10 pounds in 8 days.  10 pounds I hope to never see again!

Liquid Diet: Questions Answered!

Hi again.  Here I am at day 6 of the dreaded liquid diet, and I'm happy to say it's SO MUCH BETTER!

For one, I am so proud of myself for only cheating twice - once to have some popcorn on Thanksgiving when H went with me to the movies since I couldn't eat, and then today when we were at a cafe writing.  The only veggie soup they had was sweet potato (which is technically a starch) but didn't have cream, so I justified it.

I am generally not a veggie fan.  Even on Weight Watchers, I would turn to something like fruit, if I needed a "free" snack.  So the idea that I'm making due on the few veggies that I like, is something short of a miracle.


For those playing along at home - here is my basic 2-week liquid diet plan from the doctor:

• Drink 3-5 protein shakes a day (200 calories or less, 14-20 grams of protein, less than 4 grams of sugar, first ingredient is whey protein isolate - not blend or concentrate - this means basically nothing found at your grocery store like Ensure, Slim Fast, etc.  They are full of sugar or don't have enough whey protein isolate)
• Sugar-free beverages and non-starchy vegetables only
• 800 calories or less per day

Reach for:

• Water
• Broth
• Sugar-Free Drinks (i.e. crystal light)
• Diluted Juices (1/2 water)
• Vegetables (lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, carrots)
• Salsa, fat-free/calorie-free salad dressing, butter/oil spray, teriyaki, soy sauce
• Vinegar

My go-to foods this week have been:

Snacks:  pickles (as long as they don't have sugar), tomato basil salad with balsamic vinegar and no oil, edamame, cucumbers with a tiny bit of light ranch (which basically turns to water after a while if I don't eat the cucumbers immediately)

Meals:  protein shakes for breakfast and lunch with something like carrots or cucumbers to snack on in the afternoon.  For dinner, stir fry with veggies only and teriyaki, balsalmic or some similar fat-free marinade/sauce.

Just this weekend I started experimented with soups - pulled out some of my Weight Watchers favorites like tomato red pepper soup which is basically red peppers, onions, crushed tomatoes and carrots with chicken or veggie stock, then pureed.  The recipe calls for fat-free half and half, which I didn't use.

Today I went to dinner at a friend's house and she made a similar soup for me - carrots, 1/2 sweet potato (technically a starch but 1/2 a sweet potato for an 8-10 serving pot of soup I don't think is going to blow the diet!), veggie broth and then curry powder for flavoring.  It was so creamy and really satisfying.

Video of Gastric Bypass Surgery

Don't worry, it's not on a live person!

So many of my friends have asked what the surgery actually is, that I thought it might be good to link to one of the educational videos that shows how the process works.

Happy Thanksgiving from the Empty Stomach!

Today is day 4 of the liquid diet and I have to say, it is getting easier.  When I met with the nutritionist she'd explained the diet and that I'd be allowed 3-5 protein shakes a day.  That would keep me full.  And then if I needed a "crunch" just to feel like I was eating, I could have veggies.

What the hell!

Apparently she's never been a nearly 300-pound woman who went to eating less than 800 calories a day!

Excuse me, DRINKING 800 calories a day.

Unless those calories are pureed with strawberries and have whipped cream and rum included and lead to a person passing out, I'm not so sure drinking 800 calories a day would make anyone feeling full.

Evening of day one, we went out to Trader Joe's to buy all types of veggies that I could eat - frozen especially so I had something easy to make.  Raw veggies are fine, but if you want to feel like you are eating a meal, I think the veggies have to be cooked.

By day two, I could feel my stomach constantly.  And guess what, it's not where all the cartoons tell you it is! It's really sort up near your ribs.  Huh.  Nice little anatomy lesson there.

Day three the stomach was like the cat in the Simon's Cat online cartoons - constantly point to its mouth and saying "feed me."  So every 20 minutes, it would growl at me.

Now I'm at day four and it's Thanksgiving!  I have to admit, I fully intend on cheating just a bit today.  While everyone else eats turkey, my protein shake and me (and a friend!) are going to see the Muppet Movie where we will be allowed to split a small popcorn (hope my nutritionist isn't reading this!).

And here's where I am now...

It's hard to believe that this is what the next several months of my life will be like.  This is a real wake up call, which is partially why they make you do it, I think.

I'm obsessed (as the title of this blog suggests) with researching all things related to gastric bypass.  I read the boards at www.thinnertimes.com regularly and I have to say that's been a huge help.  If I have any question, there's someone there who has posted about it.  And I'm starting to share some of my experiences, too.

Starting this process, I had a hard time finding a place where I could hear people's real experience - not just medical jargon or the cheerleaders who did well and want everyone to make the choice they made.  This is such a personal decision.  I now know nearly a dozen people who have had variations of weigh loss surgery and I have reached out to all of them to understand their experiences.

But none of those experiences are mine.  None of them have been on the exact same journey that I have.  For me, I think the full gastric bypass is what I need to make a permanent change.  And I stress permanent.  As much as the liquid diet might suck, in 2 weeks, my stomach will be the size of an egg, so eating 800 calories a day will not feel like I'm starving myself.  (or at least that's the theory!)

Part of me wishes that I could say that I could have had this wake up call on my own, but I have to be honest with myself.  Given my history of yo-yo dieting, my metabolism is just messed up.  Yes, I know I could do Weight Watchers again and lose 40+ pounds. I've done it before.  But I also know, that when I inevitably stop working the plan, I will gain 60 back.  With PCOS, even losing weight is harder for me than the average person.

So maybe this tool is what I need to make the permanent change.  Sure, there will be a time when I can make poor choices with food, but the repercussions of doing so will be larger than just 'cheating.'  

At the end of the day, as much as my stomach is unhappy with me, even though I go to bed and wake up thinking about food... I'm still excited about the possibilities I see in front of me.  

Happy Thanksgiving to me!  

Defying gravity

I have decided the purpose of this liquid diet is to make it all real ( okay and shrink my impossibly huge and fat liver!). For the second time in two days my sweet friends and Glee kids have made me cry.

Yes you read that right. Glee.

Specifically the Defying Gravity song from Wicked.

Some things I cannot change
But until I change I will not know

And as I sit here in my car, tears in my eyes, I have realized something... I am doing a huge, hard thing. A huge thing that I might ultimately not excel at.

And that's scary.

I know I'm not perfect. I make mistakes on a daily basis. I'm not that conceited!

But when we do hard things, we usually have no or little foresight that the thing we are doing is going to be hard.

Sure, there are some things... I imagine becoming a parent is like that. Taking a new job. Embarking on a marathon.

This is a hard thing that I am doing in public and I think my brain needs to catch up to that. But in the meantime I think I'll rewind the song and let myself cry.

Before photos

Everyone tells you to take the scary before photos. But they usually wait until they are near goal to post them... So in the vein of being truthful to myself here are the before shots.

Excuse me while I run screaming!

Liquid Diet - Day One

Last week was what I called my "Final Week of Food" (tm).  My gastric bypass doctor requires a 2 week liquid diet before surgery.  The purpose of the diet is to shrink the liver as much as possible so that surgery goes easier.  Apparently in addition to having fat arms, legs, chins and butts, fat girls also have fat livers.  Fabulous!


I will admit to going a little crazy.  Our friend, Dawn, was in town all week and even though she's had the LapBand for a few years now, she's still a foodie (hope that I can still love food after RNY?) and we spent the week catching up over food.


Which leads one to wonder... what happens after surgery and I can't eat?  Will I no longer want to eat out?  Will I no longer be able to socialize with friends?  I don't think so.  Monthly "girls nights out" to a new restaurant is one of my favorite things - not necessarily for the food, but for the support.


I guess I'll have to start talking more, and eating less!

My final week of food is over and the liquid diet has officially begun... yesterday I went through all our food and made shelves in the pantry and refrigerator that have all the foods I can eat in order to cut down on looking around while I'm on the pre-op diet.

In all my research, I think my doctor and nutritionist (apparently referred to as a NUT by most weight loss surgery folks... lol!)  is pretty strict regarding pre-op diet, and am not sure if that's due to my weight and med history or not. I'm at just under 300/44 bmi liquid stage is 2 weeks and I have to eat under 800 calories a day. No dairy, starchy veggies, yogurt, sugar, fats. I can have up to 5 shakes a day, broth, non-starchy veggies with teriyaki, soy, vinegar or fat free dressings. Can also have sugar free jello or popscicles but not pudding.

I got my NUT to approve skim milk in shakes (but no fruit or yogurt) and pickles as long as they don't have sugar. (I will eat tons of pickles if you let me!). I've been trying to figure out savory things I can have since nearly all of the shakes I like are fruit flavored. Oh and I can add some coffee to my chocolate shake to make it mocha!

Last night, I was so excited to have this starting that I was awake until at least 4:30-5am.  Today, I am feeling the crash a little.  I was crazy hungry all day - an I'm sure that will taper off as my stomach gets used to less food.


Tonight we went to Trader Joe's to get more veggies - they are the only thing I can eat and this "protein drinks will make you feel full" is strict b.s.!  The pickles, stir fry (with balsamic vinegar and fat free dressing) helped me to fee full.  But now I think it might be time for my last shake.


Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Time Warp: History of Dieting and Self-Loathing

I'll be 42 on my next birthday, and have been dieting since I was 10 or 12.  I don't remember the age.  I do remember being the only girl in elementary school with breasts.  Not knowing what a period was when it came for the first time (and no, I hadn't read the Judy Blume book yet!).  I remember being in the pool with my best friend and having a boy from our class look at me and say something like "you are even fatter under water."

I'm the "fat" one in front!

Fat?  What was that? 

I didn't know, but I knew it was me.  I had a definition suddenly.  I was the 'fat girl.'

And those facts coupled with my parent's apparent belief that there was something wrong with me, lead to the *drum roll, please* Diet Workshop.  Counting calories and "points" at 10 or 12, standing up with middle aged women and telling them my weight. Learning to "cook" right when cooking should have meant making peanut butter and jelly.

Yes, I liked the Breakfast Club,
why do you ask?

This blog could be "Tales of the 4th Grade Fat Girl" but that would be really depressing and probably annoy my parents.  

Fast forward a few years and I'm in junior high and then high school.  I start to excel at things:  school, speech and debate, school government.  Looking back, I was part of that crowd that you might call "popular nerds."  If we had had a show like Glee - that would have been my group.  Still getting slushied by the popular jocks, but we had our own clique or niche.  

This was fat in the 80s!

And we all dieted insanely.  Aerobics 3 times a week.  Talking about how fat we were when we ate McDonald's on a daily basis.  Looking back at pictures of myself from this age, I see that I wasn't overweight.  In fact, my Molly Ringwald hair and fashion sense senior pictures tell me that I was what is defined as my "ideal weight" currently.  

Then came college - and a rejection of all things that society told me girls... umm... I mean 'women'... should be.  Feminism came into my life and I stopped caring about what I looked like (but, you know, not *really*) or what boys thought.  I surrounded myself with women I liked to be with and ideas that I found fascinating.  It would lead me to the best friends in my life - my surrogate or chosen family. And it would take me away from my midwest home to my adopted home on the East Coast and a career I love and would not trade for all the size 6 jeans in the world.

My support group!

I clearly remember having a conversation with my doctor probably 5 years ago.  She was telling me - again - that I needed to lose weight and I just lost it.  With tears running down my cheeks, I told her that I felt like I could do everything else in my life, but this.  

I was the straight A student.  I was the good daughter who didn't ask too much of her parents.  I was the friend who would drop anything to help someone.  I was the woman who spent her professional life running a nonprofit to help other women.  And I did most things well.  

But we aren't all perfect, and my weight was living proof of that.  It was - in many ways - the one area that allowed myself not to do well.  Who knew it was the one thing that might end up killing me.

Wow, that is a hard concept to come to terms with.  

And at the end of the day, I have a confession to make... I don't think I want to be skinny.  

I don't want to be a skinny girl that fits into a size 2 or even 10.  I'd be happy to stop seeing a "2" as the first number of my weight.  And let's not even talk about the 3 that was there for a while!   You know when the scale groans and refuses to display your weight that it is time for a change.

Okay, enough with the introspection and walk down memory lane... on to the future.  

Our Journey Begins...

Sherikate

I don't have a good name for this blog and don't really know why I'm doing it... other than I have too many ideas swirling around in my mind at 1am in the morning to sleep and one day my friends are going to be tired of hearing me blabber on.  

So here it goes...

My name is Sherikate...
*hi, Sherikate*
And I'm about 2 weeks out from having gastric bypass surgery
*silence falls*

There needs to be a 12-step program for fat girls like me.  I've spent so much of my life trying to NOT obsess about how much I weigh and what I look like.  Hell, I spent most of my academic career conducting feminist analysis of things like the "beauty myth" and the effects of pornography and objectification on women's self-esteem.  Now I run a nonprofit that helps women transition to work by - among other things - helping them look the part by giving them professional clothing.

I'm a contradiction in terms.  

So now I'm just adding a new one to the mix, I suppose.

Something changed in my life this past June.  I woke up - or better never fell asleep - with a terrible pain in my right side.  By 4am I was in such pain that I did the unthinkable - I went to the emergency room.  I was admitted immediately with a kidney stone the size of an M&M.  The next thing I knew, the girl who had never had any major medical procedure spent 2 days in the hospital and had 2 procedures 2 weeks apart to remove the stone (wow... that was alot of 2s!).

And the stone was my wake up call, I guess.  

2 years ago (wow - there's another 2!), my doctor used 2 small words to convey on big (no pun intended!) concept for me:  morbidly obese.

Wait a minute!  I was just a fat girl!  I wasn't morbidly obese.  

What did that mean, anyway?  

I spent the better part of the last 2 years contemplating what this meant.  I'd look at people on the street and compare them to me - was I that big?  Were they fatter than me?  Was I healthier than they were? 

Suddenly medical problems started mounting up - pre-diabetes was hovering around the 'do not pass go and collect $100 mark' into full-blown diabetes.  I'd always snored, but now they called it sleep apnea and said I could die without a breathing machine.  Pain in my back from cysts meant I could no longer walk the 2 miles to work.  And now I had kidney stones.

The writing was on the wall - I was, in my own words, too fat to live.  Or at least too fat to live the life I wanted.  

I didn't want my niece to look at me and ask "why is your stomach fat."

I didn't want my friends to worry that I wouldn't see retirement with them.

I didn't want to spend Saturdays in a shame spiral brought on by my "lumpy toad frog" moments.

I was tired of being embarrassed everywhere I went that I was taking up too much space.

  

And it was time to do something about it.

My doctor had mentioned surgery and 2 years ago, I thought that was insane.  I'd lost weight before, after all, why not just do it again?  But then I started reviewing my own personal weight loss journey - as people like Oprah and Doctor Oz are so apt to call it.  It wasn't a journey, though, it was more like a  the time warp from Rocky Horror: 

It's just a jump to the left . And then a step to the right / With your hands on your hips / You bring your knees in tight

In other words... it was going nowhere.

Not telling anyone what I was thinking, I spent hours online researching because that's what I do.  And all those hours and hours of researching and introspection have lead me here.  

I'm hoping that now it's a journey.  I'm hoping it will lead me to a place where I am healthy.  Where I have more confidence.  Where I can be the person on the outside that I feel like I am on the inside.

So here we go...